Friday, September 17, 2010

NFL Picks - Week 2

And to the picture below I say, IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!! Shut up and play some football Clinton! Before Clinton Portis gets in front of a microphone he needs to do two things. The first, is call Brian Mitchell and ask "Should I open my big-azz Miami Hurricane arrogance having azz mouth?" The second is call John Riggins. He won't need to ask Riggo anything because Riggins will just say "Clinton, shut the fock up!"

Last week I got 12 picks right. If it weren't for Phillip Rivers freezing up like a popsicle in the 4th quarter and dumb-azz Dustin Keller being semi-concussed from Ray Lewis's hit and not getting that first down I'd have had 14 picks right. The only pick I really got wrong (in my crazy world) last week was the Colts pick but I'd guess that I'm in the majority on that one.

Now onto this week's picks...

Atlanta over Arizona: They're playing in Atlanta. Atlanta's defense played ok last week (yes I know it was against Dennis "how long until he comes out of the closet" Dixon) and I just don't have any confidence in the Cardinals right now. Completely random: If Adrian Peterson is Purple Jesus then what is Kurt Warner, White Messiah? WOMP WOMP WOMMMMMMP!

Baltimore over Cincy: The Ravens defense is going to play well but this will be a true test for their DBs against T-Ocho. I expect Cincinatti to play well in this game and keep it close and it wouldn't surprise me if they won but I just can't bet against Ray Lewis right now. By the way, remember this hit? Yeah, me too lol.

Kansas City over Cleveland: I'm gonna say it again, Dexter McCluster is my sleeper Rookie of the Year pick. I said it last week and I'm saying it again this week. I'm not even sure why Kansas City is an underdog in this one after beating the Chargers last week. Oh, that's right... The Chargers beat themselves with their own ineptness in the red zone (effing Phillip Rivers)! Anywho, I expect Jamal Charles and Thomas Jones to have a field day. And I also expect my boy DEXTER to have another TD either in the return game or on some sort of trick play. I'm tellin' ya'll to watch out for the speedster from Ole Miss!

Dallas over Chicago: This is going to be a shoot-out. The difference is going to be Jay Cutler throwing one or two more INTs than Tony Homo. Dallas is fluke again this year AS USUAL but I'm not so anti-CowGals that I won't pick them this week. I expect Miles Austin to have a field day. My Skins would not have beaten Dallas last week were it not for that bonehead offensive lineman but Dallas has the most inept coach in the league next to Norv Turner and the most OVER-RATED offensive coordinator in the league. Just a sidebar, Sean Payton is the best play-caller in the NFL.

Philadelphia over Detroit: GO MIKE VICK! I wanna see this guy succeed so all the idiots that still hate him because of Bad Newz Kennelz can watch him revive his career. GO! MIKE! VICK!

Green Bay over Buffalo: Too easy. Next!

Tennessee over Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh can't put up enough points on Tennessee's defense and that'll be their downfall. Pinball (Chris Johnson) is going to have one or two big plays and Vince Young should be able to play "don't fock this one up for us" just well enough for the Titans to win in a close one. It's not gonna be easy but at home I'll give Tennessee the edge. By the way, "Pinball" is an original name I came up with for Chris Johnson because he bounces around and shoots off (pause) like a pinball. If you use it please credit this blogpost. Thanks in advance.

Minnesota over Miami: Old man Favruh will return to form this game. I'm thinking 2 maybe 3 TDs and 2 of those "only Brett Favre could do that dumb shyt, get away with it, and the announcers make it seem like he's a God" plays. I also expect Purple Hey-Soos to have a big day. Brandon Marshall, who?

Carolina over Tampa Bay: If Carolina sticks to running the ball with a couple play-action shots to Steve Smith this is likely to be a blow-out. If they don't stick to running the ball, then the Bucs have a chance at winning.

Denver over Seattle: Seattle may have pummeled the 49ers last week but I refuse to believe that's the real Seattle team. If they go to Denver this week and win, I'll start believing they're not the same ole' Seahawks. And it's not that Denver is that good, it's that going to Denver and winning isn't easy.

Rams over Oakland: This is my sorta-sleeper pick. The Rams suck. The Raiders suck. This is like the SuckBowl. But I think that Sam Bradford is going to lead his team to a win. It's just a hunch I have. Or is it a hutch? I dunno, but you know what I mean.

New England over the Jets: Randy Moss gets stranded on Revis Island (Revis is the new Champ Bailey in terms of over-hyped CBs by the way), maybe has a short-yardage TD and about 70 yards. But it's not about Moss, it's about Welker. This game will be all about 3 things: 1) How much time the male model (Tom Brady) has to throw the ball, 2) How many passes Wes Welker catches, and 3) Whether or not the Jets can establish the run (because they damn sure can't rely on their male model - Mark Sanchez- to win a game). New England is probably a better coached team even though I don't like Belicheck very much and the the Snack Man may have talked so much he's got those guys thinking they're better than they really are. Like Ray Lewis said, you can talk all you want but at some point you gotta put them pads on and play football. New England by a TD.

Chargers over Jags: We all know how the Chargers roll. They're going to run off a winning streak of 6 or so games, look like a Super Bowl contender, get to the first round and depending on their matchup get smashed or squeak through to the second round and then what I call the "Law of Norv Turner" will take over. The Law of Norv Turner is that no team eVar in life, for eternity, that is coached by Norv will win a championship in any sport at any level (not even a pre-pubescent miniature golf team that is the only team in the entire pre-pubescent mini golf league). It will simply throw off the balance of human life. It'll render all women infertile, all men will grow vaginas, and Ryan Seacrest will become straight, I'm convinced. That's a bit over-the-top but my point is that Norv doesn't have what it takes to get a team over the proverbial hump. Aside from that, Shawne Merriman is off the HGH so just like last year, that defense won't be able to hold up.

Houston over MY SKINS: I love the Redskins. But not blindly like a lot of my fellow Skins fans. The facts of the matter are...1) McNabb is a good QB but he has a similar set of weapons to what he had throughout his career in Philly and he has consistent problems with his accuracy. 2) We don't have a RB with any sort of explosiveness. The only thing Larry Johnson explodes on are his women, WITH HIS FISTS. He and Portis are just guys who run to a whole, get grabbed, stumble, and go down after maybe getting 3-8 yards. There will be no consistent break-away runs by a Redskins RB this year, I guarantee that. They were hoping Willie Parker could provide that but everybody else in the world knew he was washed up, why didn't we? 4) The only safety we have that can catch an INT (Chris Horton) doesn't even start. 5) Our best CB is a pretty boy that gets lucky once every game and gets an INT or a fumble recovery. 6) We went to a 27-year old rookie WR twice on a fade pattern last week. Granted, he's got a great story but ummm yeah, 27 year old rookie on a fade pattern twice in a close game when you've got Santana Moss and Chris Cooley to throw to. And 7)... Our defense lives by the bend-but-don't break rule and it works well sometimes. But when the defense breaks, that shyt BREAKS! And for that latter reason I expect us to lose this week. Arian Foster, Andre Johnson, and Matt Schaub are going to make fantasy owners happy this week.

Giants over Indy: Sorry Peyton, last week showed me that your defense isn't up to par. Not even close. And with Bob Sanders doing his best Yao Ming impression over the last few years, I expect your defense to only get worse. Dwight Freeney can't get a sack on every play. If the Giants are smart they'll run a lot of Brandon "Anger Management" Jacobs (he doesn't seem like the douche in the club that gets drunk and wants to fight all the little guys to ya'll, I'm just saying) in the first half and even more Bradshaw in the second half. The Giants receivers are good enough to give Eli some solid shots down the field and along those lines I expect my boy Mario Manningham to get it together this week and score. I'm also curious to see if Hakeem Nicks continues to play Plaxico Burress better than Plaxico played himself.

Saints over San Fran: This game will probably be a lot closer than everybody expects it to be. I wouldn't be surprised if it was close until the 4th quarter. The 49ers just don't have enough offensive firepower to keep up with the Saints and the Niners defense is going to give the Saints some trouble and I'm rooting for my boy Patrick Willis to have a great day but that offense can't be contained for 4 quarters, not unless Drew Brees gets hurt.

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