HILARIOUS

These ARE NOT MY WORDS!

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TC Tuesdays: Heatwave!!
tc@urbanflavorz.com

Are you ready for the heatwave? If you are on the East Coast, then
you have been feeling this heatwave for about a week now. I hope
you are reading this email in some air conditioning, because today
is supposed to be yet another 90-degree scorcher. Once the heat
gets this intense, it becomes too hot for a lot of things; I have
created a list below. If you find yourself doing any of those
things on the list, I command you to immediately stop what you
are doing, go sit in front of a fan and eat as many ice cubes as you
can in 5 minutes; you'll thank me once you're hydrated.

-Dude, It's too hot to fight right now. If I catch a beef with
somebody, we just gonna have to squash it till September, we'll
probably both pass out after swings anyway.

-Ladies, it's too hot to have like 3 or 4 pound of weave in your
hair, I know your scalp smells like fried okra. Let it breathe,
toots.

-It's too hot to be wearing timberlands, point blank. But dammit
I still wear mine damn near every day. But if you ever see me with
some slouch socks on, I hereby give you permission to spit in your
palm and smack the sh*t out of me.

-It's too hot to be getting drunk. My Ethiopian friend Nate got
twisted at Republic Gardens last week, and burst into flames as soon
as he walked out the door.

-It's too hot to be hanging outside for no reason. I know ya'll
"thugs" gotta make ya'lls money, but you better get in some air
conditioning; only people coming on the strip in this heat are
dedicated pipeheads (the ones who dance for rocks) and Satan.

-It's too hot to have cookouts. Move that grill inside and just
make sure you don't burn the ribs, or your smoke detector will be
screeching like Mariah Carey at the BET Awards.

-It's too hot to be doing all that terrorist sh*t, so could
somebody two-way Bin Laden's Sidekick and tell him to wait until the
fall to bomb us? You know, like he did last time.

-It's too hot to be mad, so if you did like that last line I
wrote, go drink some Aquafina, think of something funny, and chuckle
to yourself.

-Ladies, it's too hot to have all that make up caked on your face,
I saw this chick on the blue line yesterday, it looked like her face
was melting; she looked like Michael Jackson made up as a clown;
kids were crying, retarded people were doing the moonwalk, the
train conductor was singing "Thriller;" it was just terrible.
Ladies, lay off the MAC until September.

-It's too hot for car accidents! Please people, drive like you
got some sense, because road rage gets 100% worse when it's hot
outside. Some people are already pissed off because they are
driving a hooptie with no A/C and the windows don't roll down, so
just imagine how quick they will flick off if you cut them off in
traffic.

-It's too hot to be outside playing basketball, football, baseball,
hell any kind of sport. Now is the time to be playing your
Playstation 2, your Xbox, or whatever.

-Its too hot to be wearing them thick ass, hot ass t-shirts; you
know, those joints with the hoodie on the back of it? Man, you
better get you a cut off or a wifebeater before you sweat to death.
And not one of those gay ass G-Unit 50 cent looking wifebeaters

JRon's Addition:

It's too hot to be tryin' to look cute! You can't look cute and smell good until after about 7:30/8:00 p.m. from late July - August. Not to mention what the humidity does to some of the ladies hair! If you come out of the house any other time, within minutes you will be smelling like a combination of skin and "outside" and will remain perpetually moist.

Tiff's Addition:

Fellas if you are a "pimp in ur own mind" and its this HOT outside,
leave the mountain of cologne and the three piece suit with the matching
gaitors (w/out socks I might add) at home. And for the love of all that is right in the world, being preppy does NOT mean having on some shorts that come ABOVE your knees...yes we can respect that its hot outside but I don't want to see your knees and furthermore...IF you are a man that is secure enough to wear flip-flops, be secure enough to get a pedicure BEFORE doing so...and keep your knees and feet hook up with some lotion man...